Fears & Anxiety

Like most people, when I was young I had no fear of anything.  Well that's not true.  When I was young, the only thing I feared was snakes.  That has not changed.  As I've grown older, it seems I have many fears and along with the fears, anxiety.  

I was 50 when I experienced my first panic attack.  I was in an airplane bathroom coming home from a beautiful vacation.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I got back to my seat and wondered if I should tell the flight attendant.  But then the anxiety started.  What was going through my mind was - 'if I tell the flight attendant and we have to make an emergency landing, all the people on the flight are going to be mad at me.  Everyone wants to get home.  Myself included.  If we make an emergency landing & I get hospitalized, how will I get home'.  This and more was going through my mind.  So I kept quiet.  I closed my eyes, forced myself to take slow deep breathes and started talking to myself saying - you are ok.  You are not having a heart attack.  You will be home soon.  Soon I was calming down and the panic and anxiety started to subside.

For quite some time now, the wind, not breezes, but wind with strong gusts cause me great anxiety.  

I remember at work several years ago, we were having very strong winds. I'm talking 30-40 mph with gust 40-50 mph.  I was silently trying to hold it together.  My boss had called, but by then the panic was bubbling to the surface.  I wanted off the phone to go hide in the bathroom (in my mind, this was the safest place to be).  He knew something was wrong and wouldn't let me off the phone until I told him.  All I could get out at that point was - the wind.  After the winds and me had calmed, I told him I don't know what's going on, but whenever we have high winds, my anxiety skyrockets.  He listened, but didn't understand.

After that, whenever we had high winds, which is becoming more and more frequent, I kept my feelings to myself and tried my best to hide my fear and anxiety.

I had some banking to take care of after another windy event we had.  Of course the wind was a topic of discussion.  I was trying to explain to the gentleman how I can't take the wind anymore & how the anxiety I feel is sometimes crippling.  He asked me why and I honestly didn't have an answer as to why.  I only knew how I felt and as I get older the worse it's becoming.

As I've gotten a bit older and really not caring what people think, I became more open about my wind anxiety.  I've posted on facebook and some of my friends express the same feelings as me.  Honestly, I finally felt good.  Not that they suffered too, but I didn't feel alone.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the metorogists I follow on facebook posted prior to yet another wind & storm event we were going to have.  But how he started the post caught my attention.  He said if you suffer from weather anxiety like I do.  What?  Weather anxiety?  This is a thing?  I read the post and comments.  I didn't feel alone anymore.  Other people felt the same exact way I do.  I found a place that I could really express my fear and feelings and not be looked at strange or a demeaning comment be made.  I felt understood.

Why am I posting this?  Because here we go again for the fourth time in a month and a half we are having high winds with gust 40-50 mph.  With each gust & with every bang-boom from outside my nerves fray a bit more, my breathing becomes a bit more short and my anxiety level rises.  Weather anxiety and in my case, wind anxiety, is real.  I will be spending the day or whenever the winds finally subside in a state of almost panic. 

The story of Kitty

There was a black and white cat in the neighborhood for years.  Every time she would see me, she would run.  I had tried several times to befriend her and feed her, but she was just to scare and would run away. 

That is until Halloween night 2013.  My neighbor's cat Kat came over followed by a cat I had called Kat's Kitten.  I fed Kat and Kat's Kitten hung around and I was able to feed her without her running away.  She kept her distance, but didn't run.  We were finally making progress.

She would come around more often for food, but always at a distance.  You could tell she hadn't eaten a good meal in a long time and she was sick.  She had runny eyes and nose and sneezed like crazy.

The weather started getting colder and I got the huts all set up just encase she decided to stay.  She stayed and kept warm in the hut.  Her health started to improve with regular meals. 

Gradually I was able to pet her.  During this time, there was a lot of blood shed.  I went through a lot of cursing and band-aids, but she learned to trust me more and more.

It was around this time I decided she needed a name besides Kat's kitten.  Most names just didn't fit and we ended up with Kitty.

I wanted her to come in, but the problem was Ralphy and Yipper.  I knew Ralphy wouldn't be a problem, but Yipper would be.  I would hold the door open a bit so Kitty could look in and Ralphy could look out.  Kitty being the little bitch she was, would swat at Ralphy.  Being the good boy he is, Ralphy would swat back, but think it was play time.  Yipper didn't want any parts of this.

When Ralphy & Yipper were sleeping, I would hold the door open for Kitty, inviting her in.  She was interested, but hesitant to come in.  I think she was fearful of Ralphy.  Then one day, she decided to run in.  She ran around the house, scare and right out the back door.  I was disappointed, but happy.  We were making more progress.

Then one night when I came home, she greeted me at the front door.  I opened the door and in she ran.  This was the first night she spent in. 

It was touch and go until the first bad cold snap of this winter.  She came in and would only go out on the back deck with me and then in. 

Her and Ralphy got along quite well, which I knew they would.  Yipper and her not so much.  Which I knew they wouldn't.  But would with time.  And in time, they did.  They started to run and play with one another.

We kept working on our trust of each other.  Neither one of us trusting the other 100%, but we were close.  She would greet me at the door when I came home for lunch and after work.  She had a habit of jumping up for pets and if I didn't bend down quick enough for her, she would twirl around on her hind legs like, 'look at me.  Aren't I just too cute?  I know you want to pet me.'  And I would laugh and give her lots of pets.

Kitty was not meant to be a totally inside kitty.  As the temperatures warmed and the sun shone, she wanted out.  When I came home for lunch, she greeted me half way down the sidewalk, meowing, standing and walking in front of me.  She would then come in and join me on the couch for a nice petting.

Kitty went out the morning of March 21, 2015 and I haven't seen her since.  My heart is breaking.  I am constantly looking for her.  I've called animal control.  I've call the shelter.  I've been to the shelter when they said they had a cat just brought in from my area that resembled her description.  It wasn't her.  Both animal control and the shelter have her on the lost and found list.  They have my number just encase.

My friend keeps telling me she'll come home, but with every day that passes, my hope that she will diminishes.  She was becoming a pampered puss.  She liked being inside on crappy days.  We've had rain, snow and cold temperatures since then. 

My heart is breaking for a lot of reasons.  I had hoped that she would become an inside kitty.  We had come so far trusting each other.  Not knowing where she is.  Is she okay?  And the saddest part for me is, I don't even have a picture of her.  I do on my cellphone, but it is one of the cheapy trac phones and I don't know how to transfer the picture to my computer.

I miss my Kitty.  Ralphy misses her too.  Even Yipper has looked around for her.

Not knowing if she is okay or not is the worst.  I tell myself she will come home, but in my heart, I know that's not true.  She would have come home by now if she could.

I also tell myself that if she doesn't come home, at least she was able to experience, probably for the first time in her life, warmth, friendship and contentment.  But most of all, she experienced love.  And she was loved...

Bracing for Sandy

I've prepared for Sandy as much as I could.  Everything outside that could blow is either away or tied down.

It's about 2:20 P.M. and the wind is blowing and the rain is pounding.  They say it's only gonna get worse.

Sandy is such a massive storm that even if one wanted to leave, there's really no place to go.

Lost cable about a half hour ago.  Praying the electric doesn't go out.

It is at times like this I wish I didn't live alone.  I have the three fur-babies, but they're not much company right now.  Two are hiding somewhere and the other is sound asleep.

I'm not to proud to say that I'm afraid.

Ralphy Update

A couple weeks ago, I had to rush Ralphy back to the emergency vet.  He was not going to the bathroom and very lethargic.

When the vet tried to squeeze his bladder to see if anything would come out, nothing did.  He said he bladder was the size of a tennis ball.  

He was blocked.  They kept him.  I cried all the way home.  

I called the next day to see how he was doing.  They said the procedure went well and if all went well, he would be able to come home the next day.

Called again the next day and he was doing really well and I could pick him up.   

We were very happy to come home.  We were very happy to be home.

Here he is resting.

They had to shave both legs for the IV's.

Resting and happy to be home.

We have made great progress since his been home.  His appetite is returning.  Having a hard time with the food.  Finally found a urinary canned food he likes.

The emergency vet called several days after we were home and he is crystal free.

The problem is still the devil cat that is terrorizing them.  I have tried everything I can think of in the trap, but it will not go in.

Both Ralphy & Yipper are afraid to be outside.  Ralphy will go out with me, but will not get down off the deck.

So please send good thoughts that Ralphy continues to get better.

And please send good thoughts that I trap devil cat and get him out the neighborhood and my fur-babies lives go back to happy and fear free. 

Ralphy

It seems like whenever I post a blog, it has to do with my fur babies. This one is no exception.

For about a month now, I've been trying to get my Ralphy well. He was having problems peeing so I took him to the vet. They said he had a bladder infection and gave him a shot of antibiotics. They said that food plays a big role in causing these problems with male cats. So I also came home with special canned and dry food. I put the canned food down and both Ralphy & Yipper did the stinky face and literally ran from the food.

A week later, my friend took me and Ralphy to the emergency vet. They did a urine analysis test. Gave me pill antibiotics, muscle relaxers, pain meds and two different kinds of canned food. The vet also gave me information on this problem. Well that canned food went over about as good as the first one did. At least they both like the dry food.

The urine analysis showed high levels of crystals. They told me to really keep and eye on him. If I notice him not peeing, to rush him back. They said if crystals gets stuck, he could die within 24 hours. They told me to try and get him to drink more. This could help dissolve the crystals. When I told them he would not eat the special canned food, they told me to fed him his. That has a lot of water that could also help dissolve them.

Reading the paperwork they gave me indicated they have no idea why this happens to male cats. It touched on food causing the problem, but really stressed stress is a major factor. So now I tried to reduce his stress level.

Our little neighborhood has become a haven for male unfixed cats. Why? Because one inconsiderate neighbor has two female cats that are not fixed. As a matter of fact, her one cat just had another litter. One male cat in particular is a bully and fights with all the other cats. Including Yipper, but especially my Ralphy.

Well mama bears claws are out. She's pissed. She called the neighbor and told her to get her cats fixed. Told her she was irresponsible. Told her last year after the first litter we had a discussion about getting her cat fixed. There were programs that would help with the cost. Told her I called animal control and was going to trap these cats and if her cats end up in the trap, so be it.

So with my trap, I've trapped three opossums. Seems like we have a colony of them around here too. But I want the black and white bully. I want him bad. But I can't seem to trap him. Just this morning, he got into a fight with Yipper on my back deck. And this is where I had the trap set.

I do believe that stress is what is causing Ralphy's problems. He is terrified when he is out when it's dark. He comes in before dark and will not go out until it is bright outside. I've tried keeping him in, but he wants no part of that. And he shouldn't. When he's in and he doesn't want to be, I can see him becoming apprehensive.

So we are working on reducing his stress level. He is improving, but not 100%.

And my inconsiderate neighbor. I saw her bring a trap home yesterday. I can only hope that she actually sets, catches and get these cats that have taken up residence in her yard fixed. All the neighbors are getting tired of all these cats shitting and pissing in their yards. We are getting tired of the cats spraying our houses and cars.

Hopefully I can trap that nasty black and white cat that is terrorizing all the cats in the area.